Nobody Likes to be Told What to Do

Several years ago, someone told me this...

"You never tell people what to do yet you make them do what needs to get done and they do it all the time. What are you doing to make them want to do things?"

I said, "Well, I really don't like to tell people what to do, I usually start by asking a question if they are capable of and if they are interested in doing the things that need to get done." Basically, that translates to, "We have to do a job, can you do it? If not, that's alright and I'll find someone else who can do it." As if I'm setting the bar and giving a higher expectation for anyone who is willing and able to do the job. Sounds like a challenge isn't it? It's not an order but the end result is similar, things will get done one way or another.

It got me wondering as to what I was doing because before writing this blog, I've been doing it unconsciously. I don't like telling people what to do. I ask, recommend, and suggest nicely. I didn't purposely said or acted like that, it was basically part of my mannerism ever since I was a little child. Part of my growing up behavior is to not tell people what to do because in reality, we are all providing a service... to God, to your family, to your neighbor, to your boss, to your employees, to homeless people, and so forth.

Am I being too nice? Am I not being direct and clear about what I need? Will people don't take me seriously? But then, once I heard someone said, "... you make them do what needs to get done and they do it all the time." Suddenly, I think I found out why I was able to motivate people to do what needs to get done.

3 ways to make someone do things by not telling them directly what to do:

1. Think in terms of his or her own interest - When I need something done, I make sure that they're getting something out of it too. Therefore, I'm not the only person getting the benefit from the job, but also the person willing to do the job. What's in it for them?
   
2. Ask and then suggest instead of giving direct orders - Let's be clear here, as a child - you didn't want to take orders from your parents, you probably went to the great lengths of crying to resist being told what to do. As an adult, you despise people who gave and are giving you direct orders without at least having your consent whether it be a business or personal matter. Try to illustrate the positive results to the things that you want to get done instead of giving direct orders. For example, in the business world - Instead of "I want sales production to increase", it should be - "If sales production increase, it will make me happy and I will be able to give big bonuses on Christmas." This way, the workers realize that the increase in sales will make for a happy manager and bigger bonuses.
   
3. Induce them to come up with an idea rather than telling them your idea - By doing this, you're not giving orders, but you're getting ideas from people so that they will eventually take ownership and pride to what needs to get done. They set the bar higher than you can for themselves, as if you've silently laid down a higher expectation from them. They know this and they're willing to do what needs to get done since it's their idea. When it's their idea, they are more willing to act on it with pride and conviction to get it done. Think about it. Assume your boss said, "Hey John, finish the excel report by Tuesday, add graphs on it, and use blue and green color schemes for the graphs." How do you feel about that? Another, assume your boss said, "Hey John, It looks like the excel report needs to be done by Tuesday. Do you know the best way to create this report? I'm relying on your expertise to do this." You see the difference? The first one is giving a direct order and the second is encouraging you to take actions, use your creativity, and use your knowledge. When it becomes your idea to complete the task, you will want to finish it because now it's your own task.
   

Here are some example of Direct Order vs. Suggestion by Questioning:

• Direct Order: "I want that done by Monday."
  
• Suggestion: "It would be great if we could make that job done by Monday, do you think you can come up with a way to do that?"

• Direct Order: "Slow down, you're driving too fast."
• Suggestion: "You know the roads are rather slick, do you think that if we slow down that that would make it safer?"

• Direct Order: "This is not the way to do it."
• Suggestion: "Can you think of a better way to do that?"

• Direct Order: "I want you to do it this way."
• Suggestion: "Do you think if we did it this way, it would turn out better?"

• Direct Order: "When we go to the zoo, I want you stay by my side."
• Suggestion: "When we go to the zoo, can you think of reasons why you should stay by my side?"

Let me guess... you don't like to take orders. You probably prefer the suggestions from the above. Don't worry, it's just our natural tendency as human beings. Remember that we all want to be heard, that our ideas are important, and that we are important. This is why when you come up with your own ideas, you tend to take pride on it. Isn't that so much better than being told what to do? Coming up with your own solutions to problems and your own creative ways to fix things?

Let me give you an example I've had back when I was in 6th Grade.

My friends and I played basketball when we were 12 years old. We played almost every day after school at the park. One of my friends like to "tell" our teammates who to play good defense. We all knew that he is good and he knows the best way to do things but many don't listen and simply resist him. Regardless of his effort, they undermined his capabilities overall.

One day he said, "Mike, here's what I want you to tell him..." I replied, "You are better than I am, why don't you tell them?" He replied with a grin in his face as if he was about to tell me a good joke, "They listen to you for some reason, even when you have no clue on what you're doing sometimes." I laughed and said, "Sure, what is it?"

Then he proceeded to tell me how to play good defense and so forth. I then relayed that message to the person who needed to learn how to defend an offensive player. I started by praising his ability to play good defense, I said, "Dude, If it wasn't for you last night, we could possibly have lost the game. Although, there were some open jump shots that you could have tried to alter by challenging them, or perhaps even block them! Do you think you could have done something to play better defense?" He replied immediately, "Oh, thanks! I knew I could have done better, you're right. I really tried but people just said I wasn't trying. I have to work on my defense a little bit though."

In this case, I realized that I didn't really tell him what to do - I just pointed out an issue and then by asking him what he can do about it. I also acknowledged his positive contribution to the team. So, he improved within a couple of weeks and guess what? He became our primary defender. He was the best at it too because he would guard the best player on the opposing team.

I never told him that he needed to improve on his defense. In a friendly way, I just merely asked him a question and suggested to play a better defense. Yet, he followed through and practiced to improve his defensive prowess.

To this day, when I need something done, I make sure that the group of people doing the task are getting something out of it too not just because it's what "I" need to get done. Giving direct orders may work in military environment but in a civilian society, it rarely does. Go out in public and try telling people what to do without their consent and see what happens. We don't want to be told what to do but we take ownership with our own ideas; we take actions with conviction and purpose when it's our ideas. We're motivated and driven!

So, I learned that If I need something done, I always suggest by asking questions and not giving direct orders. If it worked for Benjamin Franklin, Henry Ford, Dale Carnegie, Charles Schwab, and Warren Buffett, then it would definitely work for you and I.