Good Conversation, Bad Conversation

“A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That’s why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet.” – Truman Capote

Conversation is an exchange of thoughts, feeling, and ideas between two or more people.

Conversations happen every day. You greet a stranger in the morning, you talk to your boss, co-workers, or employees, you attend a meeting at work, and you meet a friend at a store. The interaction requires you to communicate.

What differentiate from a good conversation to a bad conversation? Autobiographical Mentality

Talking in Autobiography

Were you in a situation when you feel like the person you are talking to seems to have no interest in what you have to say? Do you start a conversation with “My” or “I”, or anything about you and your life, after you initially greet someone?

If you answered “yes” to both questions, there is a high possibility that you are speaking in autobiographical mode.

In order to be an effective speaker, your listener must be genuinely interested in what you have to say. Otherwise, words that come out your mouth may be going from one ear and out the other. Or as Ke$ha would say, “Blah, blah, blah!”

But how do you know if your listeners are being genuine?

Well, people usually will ask you a question or make you share something for them to listen to because they are genuinely interested in what you have to say. Hold your urge to share something “you” find interesting and important because you may be surprised that the person next to you could care less about your opinion, or about your vacation, or how bad or good your day went.

You may be thinking and saying this while you read this article, “Wait a sec. I’m just trying to relate to the person by drawing on my own experience!”

There are times when speaking in autobiographical mode is appropriate. It is when they ask for your opinion, point-of-view, help, or when there is a high level of trust in the relationship.

Listening in Autobiography

Are you constantly formulating what you are going to say while someone is talking to you? Are you judging someone without knowing what the reasons maybe to what you are hearing?

If you answered “yes” to both questions, there is a high possibility that you are listening in autographical mode.

If order to be an effective listener, you must hold your burning desire to judge what others are meaning to say before they are even done speaking. Don’t presume that what you hear is, “Blah, blah, blah!”

But how do you know when you are listening in autobiographical mode?

Really, there are 4 things that we are probably doing as a listener and as we respond. Instead of fully hearing and understanding a speaker from their point-of-view, we tend to do the following:

• Evaluate - judging to either agree or disagree.
• Probe - asking questions from your own frame of reference.
• Advice - giving unsolicited counsel, advice, and solutions to problems.
• Interpret - analyzing others' motives and behaviors based on your own experience.
  

Remember that if you want to have an open and interesting conversation with someone, you must be genuine in your intent to listen and in seeking to understand the person talking to you.