The Magic of Everyday Talking

I was born and raised in the Philippines. I moved to the United States in my later teen years. It is a little over a decade now.

One of the people I looked up to was my Uncle named Elvin. He passed away a few years ago. I dearly miss him. He was a person who respected cultural diversity. He believed that if a foreigner wants to live in the Philippines, he or she must learn the language and culture. He gave me the same advice when I left for the United States. He said, “Mike, now that you’re going to the United States and living there, you need to speak and think like them. Never speak in your native tongue in front of them because that is disrespectful. You need to assimilate and become one of them. That’s the only way to be successful. When in America, do as the Americans do.”

I've written and read in English ever since kindergarten. But as far as actual experience and having conversation in English, or even saying a word or sentence to someone who naturally speaks English, I had ZERO, nada. Needless to say, I was not completely ready to assimilate but somehow my calm nature got me through the initial phases to becoming an American.

I guess they called this getting “Americanized”. Upon arriving to the United States, a few months later, I applied for citizenship. I took my oath in Fresno, California and became a U.S. citizen in 2000.

I wanted to talk about my struggle in communicating with other people, and I still find it a challenge to these days. Having conditioned my tongue, way of thinking, and attitude that of a Philippine culture and heritage, I find the challenges of expressing myself a little frustrating at times. Some days, I feel like I could express myself more clearly. To add to that, I don’t even think I have a primary language now. Have 2 secondary languages: English and Visayan (not Tagalog).

Without further ado, I want to tell you how I feel about the English language and the magic of every day talking. This is my translation, my point-of-view, based on my cultural background, regarding how I feel about the Western language.

Western cultural learning tells us that talk is about word and influencing people – getting what we want, saying the right words, in the right way.

I noticed that talking here is more individualistic in nature, unlike in the Philippines – more collective in nature. Here, we seem to think that talking is a game. Consider tennis for example, using the ball as your words, where you hit the ball on certain areas of your opponent’s court side and you expect a predicted ball return or replied words based on where you placed the ball, your words.

We also consider talking as a contest, where you are there to prove yourself.

Speaking of proving oneself, one of my good friends always thought he’d be a lawyer when he grows up. He always had something to say to just about everything. Whether you’re right or wrong, he’ll find a way to argue with you in a friendly manner.

Here’s how I summarized the notion of when someone is making an argument just for the heck of it:

We start by assuming that there is a right answer and we have it. If we don’t have it now, we’ll find it by proving the other side wrong. By listening only to find flaws in the their arguments and then build counter arguments by defending our assumptions as if they were objective facts or truths, critiquing their positions and finally seeking a conclusion that justify our position. After all, we know we’re right on whatever it is. We are way better than average.

I stopped arguing with people after my second grade teacher said, “Mike, learn to listen!”

One thing I learned about Social Psychology while attending college is that our minds are wired to think of ourselves as better than average in every day situation, and when our thoughts are somehow challenged – we naturally think of ourselves as right.

Our view of talk is fundamentally simple… they don’t get it, it’s their fault.

I always wondered how I would communicate if I was born and raised here instead of having an ingrained cultural background from the Philippines. All I know is that, to become better at talking, we need to know more and blame far less when we’re dealing with difficult situations.