Do You Feel the Need to Judge Some People Now?

Let me start by saying this, I admit that I judge people day in and day out. I think it's our natural instinct. That is why I do it. Maybe for some odd reasons, our way of survival in the past was to make quick decisions or we die! (Think of the 'Fight or Flight Response' concept here). But at the end of the day, I always remind myself that judging people is not the wisest or nicest thing to do.

I often defend and make excuses for people's shortfalls. (Don't mistake this for 'enabling'.) For example, have you ever send an email to a person and expecting a reply back but never got one? How about a reply back to your texts or phone calls? Yes? My guess is probably. But try your best not to blame the person. If you don't get a reply, I would suggest that you keep an open mind by not judging him or her simply because you didn't get what you wanted and when you wanted it.

From a completely unselfish standpoint, think of circumstances rather than focusing on the person. One of our biggest mistakes is that we judge people rather than situations. This is undoubtedly because we have had to make unconscious decisions in the past, right there and then, and when things are happening.

Most all impulsive actions end up being bad decisions after all. Don't fall for the natural thing to do or say - by reacting without thinking:

Think of splurge shopping spree for example. Although some people may consider this kid of shopping as therapeutic, spending money on unwanted items is not considered a wise decision. If you really want buy certain things, give it 30 days. Then go back and see if you still want those things. If by then you still have the urge to buy, and then by all means get them. Otherwise, you probably didn't need those things from the get-go.

Another example, think of how most fights begin. Most conflicts revolve around misunderstanding and the unwillingness to understand one another, which leads to undesirable actions later. No one wins in a fight. Whether you win or lose, the process is always like digging your own grave. The best way to win a fight or an argument is to avoid it completely.

Remember, whether you know it or not, we are what we decide to do or say. We are the commander of our own ship of life. The moment you accept that your actions are what makes you, only then will you realize that you are in control of your destiny.

So, keeping an open mind by not judging people is simply a way of understanding that there are things and concepts that are way beyond our capacity of comprehension - sometimes it is best to leave it alone. If you must judge something -- think of situations first rather than people. This is why most people are willing to spend hours of telling you stories about themselves in hopes that you can at least connect with them and that you will start to understand their 'situations', whether good or bad, and then maybe... just maybe... you will finally learn to understand them.

Just as much as we don't want people to judge us, let's reciprocate that very same idea that we should not judge other people since we don't know what 'situations' they are in. It's the least we can do each day, if nothing else. And like your parents may have said to you in the past, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Or as my step-father once engraved into my thick skull, 'If you keep judging people like that, you will get punched in the face soon enough."

Trust Matters

It's been nearly 7 weeks since my last posting here. It needs a refresher.

Do you sometimes feel or think that people don't trust you? What makes them not trust you? On the flip side, who should you trust? And why should you trust them?

There are 4 components to trust:

Character:

1. Integrity - Do you actually do what you say and not just say what you do?
   
2. Motive - Are you looking out for other people instead of just yourself?

Competence:

1. Capability - Are you capable of doing the things you're supposed to do?
   
2. Result - Do you have a good track record of the past things you've done?

People will trust you when they see you as a genuine person with the ability to make good things happen.

9 Daily Short Term Personal Goals

I believe that if you focus on taking things one step at a time, you’ll eventually get to your destination. Then once you get there – you move on to something else, not necessarily good or bad, but onto something else. That’s life, for me at least. I learned to accept it.

Here are 9 short term goals that I try to achieve on a daily basis:

1. Today, I will be happy. I take Abraham Lincoln’s advice that “most folks are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
2. Today, I will try to adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
3. Today, I will take care of my body.
   
4. Today, I will strengthen my mind. I will learn something useful.
5. Today, I will remind myself that there’s a higher being responsible for everything.
6. Today, I will be agreeable. Look well, talk low, act courteously, be liberal with praise, will not criticize nor find fault.
7. Today, I will live through this day only, not to tackle my whole life problem at once.
8. Today, I will find a quiet time and be by myself for at least 5 minutes to relax and rejuvenate.
9. Today, I will not be afraid to be happy. To enjoy what is beautiful, to love, and to believe that those I love, love me.

Acton Item. What the Heck is It Anyway?

Perhaps one of the most dreaded jargon in the business world - action item.

Action items require tremendous amount of effort to complete. Finishing action items entail a lot of “thinking” and “doing”. These are very important. They are the atoms to a molecule. They are the foundation to a house. They are the nuts and bolts to a functioning piece of machinery. They are the blood life of your business team, group, or organization.

Let me quickly define what an “action item” means. An action item is basically an agreed-upon documented task, event, or activity that needs to take place.

Sometimes, action items can be very daunting. Most of the "note-takers" in a business conference bring their pens and notepads to write down not their colleague’s great ideas, or their boss’ opinion about important matters, or other interesting verbiages that comes along. They bring their pens and notepads to write down action items that they may be responsible for completing on certain due dates.

In my experience, sometimes these actions items are not quite as clear to a business group or team as they should be. Sometimes, it’s unclear as to who is responsible to complete it. Sometimes, it's unclear as to why it needs to be done. Sometimes, it's unclear as to how it can be done. Sometimes, it’s unclear as to when it must be completed. Or even worse, sometimes it’s unclear as to what the action item is!

So for my own sake and sanity, I had to define what an action item is in great detail. It is called an “action” item because it comes from a process called thinking to finally doing it.

In business, thinking has no value when it doesn’t transition into actions. In other words, we plan to do things. We don’t plan just to plan. Value means return on investment (ROI)… in terms of money, time, resources, and effort. However, I also understand that an action without prior analysis of cause and effect can lead to an end result of no value or even worse, negative value - wasting money, time, resources, and effort.

Therefore both “thinking” by planning and “doing” by acting must take place in order to be successful in the business world. It is only reasonable to think about what we're doing to do and not think about what we've already done. Planning must occur prior to taking action.

If we "plan" to "do" important things to be successful, then we must consider these 2 sides of an action item:

(1) Thinking of Action Item: "What needs to get done but why then how?"

• What is the action item - Clearly and carefully define in details as to what needs to get done.
• Why do we need this action item? - Reasons as to why this action should happen.
• How do we complete this action item? - The process for completing an action item.

(2) Doing an Action Item: "What needs to get done by whom and by when?"

• What is the action item? - Clearly and carefully define in details as to what needs to get done.
• Who is responsible for completing this action item? - assigned person who mutually agreed to complete it.
• When is the action item due for completion? - reasonable mutually agreed due date of an action item.

After all, if you were hired to just “do” work and not "think" about work, then you know you’re in trouble. We no longer live in the industrial world where being loyal to an organization by “doing” things will give you job security. We live in the information world where if you want to have at least a small shot at job security, then you must be employed to think and do.

Things as They Are. Things as I Think of Them

As you may or may have not noticed, I changed the subtitle for my blogsite from, "Management, Leadership, Human Relations, Personal Finance, Arts and Music" to "Things as they are. Things as I think of them."

Why change? I realized that I didn't want to convey that I'm writing about certain topics, but rather to write about "what I think" of them.

Imagine you are sitting in sand at the beach, it's sunrise at 5:52 am, also feel that it's cold and your at one of the California beaches What does that look to you? I bet you it's completely different than mine. I also bet that your imagination of this particular picture your created in your mind is unique from everyone else. I can certainly guarantee that.

With that note, let me tell you about the things as they are and as I think of them.

When I say, "Things as they are." I mean them in a physical manner. Something that can be measured. Something that is observable. They are basically anything that is of our physical universe. Physical is objective. For example... our body is physical.

So, when I blog about the great Eiffel Tower - you know what I'm talking about. You can see it, or at least have seen the picture, you can touch it if you've been there, and you know how it looks. Eiffel Tower is a physical matter. Therefore, Eiffel Tower is something that is observable to the public.

When I say, "Things as I think of them." I mean them in a thinking manner. Something that cannot be measured. something that is not observable. They are basically anything that is of our mental universe. Mental is subjective. For example... our thoughts.

So when I blog about how the breeze affects my day - you may not know what I'm talking about. You can't see the breeze I'm talking about, you can't really picture it, nor can you touch the very breeze that I was talking about, and you definitely don't know how it looks. The breeze affecting me is mental, my own interpretation. Therefore, the affect of breeze to me is something that is unobservable to the public.

Consider the taste of pineapple. How tall is it? How wide? Mental things don't have physical dimensions like that.

Consider subtraction. Where is that located, Chicago or New York? Mental things don't have physical locations like that.

This is exactly why I read blogs, books, and most importantly - I stop to listen and hear what people have to say to access their private mental realm. I'm not more concern nor interested in the things that they say, it's their own interpretation of these things is what will keep my attention. I mean, I can talk to 20 of my friends about how they feel about the 80s music. I bet I would get different and rather entertaining responses.

We live in a physical realm where people can observe you physically. If you shout, you'll be heard. If you dance, you'll be seen. We also live in a mental realm where what you do with your mind is completely unobservable - your thoughts, emotions, and mental calculations).

Needless to say, the blogs you'll read here are my private mental recreations, imaginations, and interpretations based on observable physical environment that surrounds me. Let them serve you for entertainment only and nothing else.

The Magic of Everyday Talking

I was born and raised in the Philippines. I moved to the United States in my later teen years. It is a little over a decade now.

One of the people I looked up to was my Uncle named Elvin. He passed away a few years ago. I dearly miss him. He was a person who respected cultural diversity. He believed that if a foreigner wants to live in the Philippines, he or she must learn the language and culture. He gave me the same advice when I left for the United States. He said, “Mike, now that you’re going to the United States and living there, you need to speak and think like them. Never speak in your native tongue in front of them because that is disrespectful. You need to assimilate and become one of them. That’s the only way to be successful. When in America, do as the Americans do.”

I've written and read in English ever since kindergarten. But as far as actual experience and having conversation in English, or even saying a word or sentence to someone who naturally speaks English, I had ZERO, nada. Needless to say, I was not completely ready to assimilate but somehow my calm nature got me through the initial phases to becoming an American.

I guess they called this getting “Americanized”. Upon arriving to the United States, a few months later, I applied for citizenship. I took my oath in Fresno, California and became a U.S. citizen in 2000.

I wanted to talk about my struggle in communicating with other people, and I still find it a challenge to these days. Having conditioned my tongue, way of thinking, and attitude that of a Philippine culture and heritage, I find the challenges of expressing myself a little frustrating at times. Some days, I feel like I could express myself more clearly. To add to that, I don’t even think I have a primary language now. Have 2 secondary languages: English and Visayan (not Tagalog).

Without further ado, I want to tell you how I feel about the English language and the magic of every day talking. This is my translation, my point-of-view, based on my cultural background, regarding how I feel about the Western language.

Western cultural learning tells us that talk is about word and influencing people – getting what we want, saying the right words, in the right way.

I noticed that talking here is more individualistic in nature, unlike in the Philippines – more collective in nature. Here, we seem to think that talking is a game. Consider tennis for example, using the ball as your words, where you hit the ball on certain areas of your opponent’s court side and you expect a predicted ball return or replied words based on where you placed the ball, your words.

We also consider talking as a contest, where you are there to prove yourself.

Speaking of proving oneself, one of my good friends always thought he’d be a lawyer when he grows up. He always had something to say to just about everything. Whether you’re right or wrong, he’ll find a way to argue with you in a friendly manner.

Here’s how I summarized the notion of when someone is making an argument just for the heck of it:

We start by assuming that there is a right answer and we have it. If we don’t have it now, we’ll find it by proving the other side wrong. By listening only to find flaws in the their arguments and then build counter arguments by defending our assumptions as if they were objective facts or truths, critiquing their positions and finally seeking a conclusion that justify our position. After all, we know we’re right on whatever it is. We are way better than average.

I stopped arguing with people after my second grade teacher said, “Mike, learn to listen!”

One thing I learned about Social Psychology while attending college is that our minds are wired to think of ourselves as better than average in every day situation, and when our thoughts are somehow challenged – we naturally think of ourselves as right.

Our view of talk is fundamentally simple… they don’t get it, it’s their fault.

I always wondered how I would communicate if I was born and raised here instead of having an ingrained cultural background from the Philippines. All I know is that, to become better at talking, we need to know more and blame far less when we’re dealing with difficult situations.